


Halloween Hernia

by Kameiko



Category: Deus Ex: Human Revolution
Genre: Baby Carrots Dressed as Candy Corn Abuse, Cool Candy to the Rescue, Couch Cuddles, Dogs, Fluff, Halloween, Hot Chocolate, Humor, Improper Use of Halloween Candy, Kids, M/M, Old People Candy, Police, Raspberry Pi's Being Used as Candy, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-19
Updated: 2018-11-19
Packaged: 2019-08-25 19:49:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16667194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kameiko/pseuds/Kameiko
Summary: Halloween should not be this abusive to good candy or complicated to the person who just wants to lighten everyone's mood up with computer parts that are mistaken for pie!





	Halloween Hernia

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own any franchises, products, and characters mentioned in this story. My work is purely for everybody's enjoyment, and I would like to keep it that way. Having ownership over all this that requires contracts and other lawful fruitfulness is just too much responsibility. I am not ready for that kind of work, nor does my massive paycheck of $0.00 show for it in the world of fanfiction.
> 
> I know I will get a lot of heat from Pritchard for the tags, but I couldn't help myself! This story is insanely stupid and adorable! Who could ignore the creativity? Not you people! Y'all are amazing and I thank you for reading! Lots of Love!

It’s Halloween night. The perfect time for Jensen to stay indoors at _Sarif’s Industries_ to catch up on some disregarded paperwork he saved just for this night, sarcasm, of course. He’s not in the mood to deal with children when he has this throbbing headache and mountain of unfinished documents that require his signature by 8 tomorrow morning. Sarif really needs to start using his powers for good and figure out a way to save up on trees. Then Adam wouldn’t have to stay late at night just to crunch down on this deadline….past on purpose deadline. He squints at the paper that had to be turned in two weeks ago, for Athene! Forget Sarif, his secretary is something else to watch out for!

_Ping. Jensen! It’s Pritchard. Are you going to come home already? I need you to stop by the store to pick up miniature size Ziploc bags for the candy I am going to be giving out. Don’t forget to pick that up to when the-_

“Please tell me that the candy is not carrot sticks painted to look like candy corn?” Adam is dreading the miniature bags having mocking smiling faces in permanent marker on them filled to the brink with baby candy corn like carrots. Wouldn’t be a bad idea if he included tasty mini cups of barbecue sauce or peanut butter with brain looking gum.

_Har, har. For that you’ll be sleeping on the typical “we’re fighting” couch tonight._

“I’m hurt, Francis.” Adam takes his stamper with his signature on it and starts stamping roughly away at the papers, not even realizing that he’s double stamping due to the annoyance steaming off his boyfriend and into the drying pan of the bacon coming out of his own head.  

_I can hear papers crumbling and the stamper getting a work out, Jensen._

“Good for you. Let me get back to work.” Adam ends the call before Pritchard gets the last working word in. Sighing, he looks at the even worse chaotic mess spread on his table. Now, he just wants to throw every single piece of paper in the trash. Let the cleanup crew get blamed for losing documents.  

After about two hours, Adam’s desk no longer looks like grand central station. It just looks like grand central station doubled during the Christmas season, really didn’t help anything move along. He blames Francis for this. If he hadn’t called, then he wouldn’t have quadruple stamped every piece of letter on his desk. He drops the stamper in the trash and sighs for no purpose whatsoever. He needs a drink, the kind that gets rid of migraines when he doesn’t want to stay sober. Let Pritchard deal with him in this state when he gets sent to the couch! The massive two minutes of being in a topsy turvey drunkard state didn’t help any, he wants more aug-filter friendly alcohol. Damn the converter in him for not letting him stay at a negative bliss for a long period of time. How does that even work? The converter absorbs all the alcohol and doesn’t make him plop to the floor after two minutes of non-stop drinking.

_Ping. Jensen! Where are you? I asked for those bags nearly three hours ago! The little hooligans will be here and if they don’t get any candy then they will egg our house! I am not pressure washing the building again like we had to do last year! Your suggestion just made our house look even more horrifying! We’re a friendly tech house! Not a horror one!_

Aw, last year. The year Pritchard thought to be cute and “mean” to the little kids. He had this bowl of _Raspberry Pi’s_ in this technical light-up Halloween pumpkin looking bucket. Adam recalls all this so clearly. When Pritchard said he picked up _Raspberry Pi’s_ , Adam thought he had said _Raspberry Pie’s_. He thought that to be odd even for Pritchard. What is a little kid going to do with a single board computer? Besides admire the pretty green colors and lines that look like mazes. Maybe even add it to their _Lego_ sets. The tech families found it fun, but that didn’t prevent angry little children from egging their house. Adam tried to tell him to go with the miniature pies, but did he listen? No, of course he didn’t. He’s Pritchard. He’s stubborn as a mule and has the kick to prove it.

_Jensen! Are you listening? I need you home already! Tell Sarif you’ll go back to your endless paperwork tomorrow! Just hurry up! I won’t be able to hold off these kids much longer! I’ll need the garden hose!_

Adam hears a doorbell. He sits back and listens to the sound of Pritchard’s miniature screams coming out of his mouth. He might just have to skip the trick-or-treaters this year as this is once in a life experience, and he’ll gladly sleep out in the “we’re still fighting” Kubrick’s doghouse to witness this event. He can hear the treaters saying the usual greeting with one going off course and telling Pritchard to smell his feet. He can imagine Pritchard’s nose scrunched up and slamming the door in the kids’ faces.

_I will not smell those foul feet! But sorry kids…I don’t have any candy. Would one of you like a mother board from last year? If anyone of you is interested gonging into computer science and engineering when you’re older this is a perfect tool to start with? …No? Stop glaring at me! I am sure that I have something else. What about a smoldering kit? You get to mess with your parents’ tools, and may I suggest you do so without supervision? You know you all want to rebel._

“You know they want candy, Pritchard. If you’re out of options, then give them cereal or God forbid those blasphemous revisioned carrot sticks.” Adam leaves his office to go get some coffee that will last a minute longer than alcohol.

_Good idea, Jensen. Be right back, kids! I promise to have a delicious treat for you!...Let’s see….There’s this gnome looking cereal you like so much._

Adam stops stirring the cream in his coffee. “They can’t have my favorite.”

_You can always buy more! …They’re starting to groan and I can hear the sound of someone banging on a frying pan, Jensen!...Fine!... I’m going to have to go for the last resort and keep them busy by petting the dog!_

“Aw, Kubrick’s favorite past time! Good choice.” Adam uses the stirrer again and smooths out the cream and sugar.

_I’m going to kill you! …Ok, dog where are you…not in your dog house? Not chewing up one of my favorite slippers at least…AW!_

Adam hears a thud. Pritchard found Kubrick! Correction: Kubrick found Pritchard! Adam can hear the dog barking in anticipation to meet some kids. The dog starts running in circles and out the gate towards the front door where the kids are impatiently waiting. He stops in front of the kid dressed up as a scary mummy with google eyes taped to his glasses and toilet paper used as wrappings sloppily wrapped around his body. The kid leans down and pets Kubrick on the head, calling him a good boy. Kubrick likes it! He nips at a piece of toilet paper dangling from the kid’s wrist and starts to eat it. Adam hears a scream and something about dog slobbering running a perfectly good Halloween costume! Pritchard is out of breath when he catches up with Kubrick, and his heart skips beats when he sees the kid’s costume start to unravel.

_Bad Kubrick! Bad! DOWN! …I am so sorry, child. I didn’t know he would eat your costume! Next time go as something that allows you to put masking tape on! …and put on a shirt! It’s freezing out here!_

Adam is back in his office, locking it up for the night. Still listening in on Pritchard’s conversation. He’s about to say: screw the bags and just get home before anymore unnatural chaos ensues. Making his way down stairs he waves by to the night shift front desk clerk and takes his leave. Going to his car and starts the ten-minute drive to the grocery store, then go to his house in the suburbs afterwards. Hopefully Pritchard is still alive when he gets home. He needs to beat him in tonight’s candy offering. Adam looks over to his front seat to see he has all the good stuff: chocolate bars, gum drops, powder sugar with candy sticks, milk chocolate, malt balls, mints…. all the good stuff that he’s going to show up late with because of Sarif (his own laziness)!

_No! I am not giving you my jacket to keep warm! You and your parents should’ve thought this through! …Wait! Stop! Unhand me! Didn’t you hear what I just said!?_

Adam spits out his coffee. Well, if the kids can’t get their candy then the next best thing is to get Pritchard’s ugly jacket to stay warm. An amused smile plasters his lips, a 90’s mummy kid he can be pictured here in the style of a young Michael J. Fox. It’s almost worth it to drive slowly for the aftermath, but the cars behind him don’t agree as they start blaring their horns and cursing at Adam to get out of the road if he doesn’t do the speed limit! Ok! Ok! He’s moving, sheesh! Adam steps on the gas and pedals away to front of the grocer. Maybe a quick trip in the cereal aisle will make him feel…better.

_JENSEN! Are you listening here?! These brats stole my clothes and all my left-over candy from last year!_

“Electronics are not candy, Francis.” Adam pulls a box of multi grain cereal with little pieces of chocolate in them. He wants to stick his tongue out at it in disgust, but Pritchard is always telling him to eat healthier and his filter aug will not last him forever. Little does Pritchard know that he has been eating better, the gnome cereal is just his last resort when he’s desperate…every day desperate. Ok, so he only eats healthy in partial days.

_Hurry up home with the list of candy I gave you! …Great! Kubrick stepped in something muddy and now I must clean the floor that I cleaned this morning! KUBRICK! OUT! OUT! OUT!_

Adam clutches his head. He doesn’t need Pritchard’s screams through his I-link. He flicks his head to send a mumbling nose through on his own end to get a point across. Pritchard ceases his screaming and goes back to the front, turning off the porch lights before anymore trick-or-treaters come up dressed as super hero’s or falling apart costumes kids come to bug him again. Sighing, he stares at the bowl of leftovers. Such a creative idea lost on these young kids, no appreciation for the things that they’ll learn about later in life. At least one family called him last year and thanked him for giving their kids a gift that….they sold online the very next day for a very high amount of money. SIGH.

“Pritchard? I can hear you sighing. What’s wrong now?” Adam is in the checkout line with liquor, cereal, and the…old people candy Pritchard asked for to go with the horror food. Man, he really wants their house egged again this year. Let’s not talk about the Easter egg hunt they hosted for the neighborhood kids. The committee came together to forbid them from ever hosting one here ever again.

_I try so hard to make things for these kids fun, but always end up in failure! I am done with Halloween! Never again will I turn the porch light on and wait eagerly for trick-or-treaters!_

“Why don’t you include candy and fun pamphlet with kid-like drawings explaining how these Pi’s and kits work. If I must, I will stop by the dollar store and pick up Halloween pencils with erasers and stickers. Kids love those things, and their attention span will stick.” Adam turns the car around. The store is on the other side, and he needs to get there before it closes, or other people have the same idea as him. One may never know whose listening.

_Good idea! It’s better than what I planned with those little bags…I am just so bitter...._

“I can tell. You wanted to give them boring looking candy instead of something tasty.” Adam parks his car, walks in, and is greeted by a friendly female cashier who is dressed up like Rudolph. Her antlers have Christmas lights on them, and her foam nose keeps falling off every time she moves around. A bit early for the Christmas spirit, but he can appreciate the double whammy.

_Hey! Those are…good to some people._

“Yeah, the kid’s grandparents.” Adam picks up more than he assigned himself and checks out. The cheery lady is asking Adam a ton of questions about who he seen dressed up tonight, why he’s dressed up like some cop from the hottest TV show, and if her costume is pure irony. He kept his answers short and straight to the point. She understood his intention to get out of here. She shuts her mouth and waves him off, the same cheery smile on her face, and the little nose fell off when she did. Adam smiles back.

_I should’ve given them coal and carrot sticks! They’re bad kids who don’t need anything for Christmas this year!_

“Now, now, Pritchard, I am almost home, and we can hurry up and get these things together.” Adam speeds out of the parking lot and drives home as quickly as he can, watching out for cops in the process. He doesn’t need a speeding ticket added to his list of “How to give your boyfriend a heart attack” or “How to end up upgraded from the doghouse to the park”.

Pritchard ends the call. Sitting down, he begins to sort out the kits and mini computers. He doesn’t have time to hand write out about 30 instructions in baby language, so he just prints out blank pieces of paper with silly tablet faces on them that are waving to no one in particular. Goofy and silly, like the _Microsoft Word Paperclip_ , Pritchard hates it. He writes on each paper to ask their parents to look up on the internet how to work these things, and then wraps them in the orange and black paper. Not bad for a last-minute idea.

Adam opens the door carrying in two bags of Halloween stuff. Pritchard rushes over to him and snags one of the bags. He has no time to waste! He goes over to the bundles, and pulls out orange and black ribbon, bigger clear bags with bats and eyeballs for decoration that they’ll fill the candy with, and a larger clear bag with candy canes and Santa Clauses for the pencils, erasers, and stickers. Pritchard looks at Adam with a look that says “really?”.

Adam shakes his head. “They were all out of the bags in that size. Had to work with what I could.”

“This is so wrong.” Pritchard opens the bags and gets to work. Out of all things that’s wrong with this scene it’s the Christmas theme supplies….how? When they have old people candy and googly eye carrots!

Adam sets the other bag on the table and gets a pair of scissors. He easily slices the bags open and starts mixing candy together to put in the bats and eyeballs bag. Each of them managed to do 15 bags before calling it quits. There’s still plenty of leftovers, but they’ll see to this as a gift from God that they get to pig out on the good stuff when 9 PM hits. Adam turns on the porch light and the two sits outside and wait.

Pritchard rubs his head as he makes sure the ribbons holding the bags together don’t unravel. “I can’t believe that kid took my jacket!”

Adam pats Pritchard’s knee in comfort. “We’ll look for it tomorrow. Give me a description of what the group looked like. Did any of their parents come with them?”

Pritchard takes Adam’s hand, and grips it tightly. “If they did, I didn’t see them. The street light at the end of our drive way is not working.”

Adam is trying to pull his hand away, and Kubrick makes his appearance, tracking mud all over the porch and all over Pritchard’s pant legs with his pawing. Pritchard wants to be angry with him but finds the heart not to be. This excites the dog, because he’s not getting the wagging finger! His tail starts wagging, and the barks of happiness come out in full furry! Adam is glad that Pritchard is taking this with ease, and he manages to pull his hand away. He doesn’t need to be stressed out over something as a simple holiday. It’s not like there’s tension during Thanksgiving when all the realities are over or the stress of holiday shopping during the Christmas season…or Black Friday and Cyber Monday, Pritchard’s favorite “holiday” is the Monday one. He thinks it’s just for Geeky Tech guys like him instead of mom’s who don’t want to leave the comfort of their own home when they don’t have to. Adam doesn’t have the nerve or balls to tell him.

“I’ll be back.” Adam goes inside to make some hot coco. They both need it after this horrible day of paper pushing and clothing thieves. Add the little marshmallows on top with a hint of cinnamon too, Adam. Makes the milk chocolate more flavorful.

Kubrick barks at an older man with the…mummy son who is holding the orange jacket that Pritchard loves. Amazing, it only takes the word of a father to berate his own child on stealing and make him apologize for doing so. The man stands behind the boy, with his arms crossed, and tells him to give the man back his jacket and apologize. The boy blew a raspberry at Pritchard after handing him back the jacket. The father has the right nerve to smack him in the back of the head but refrains from doing so. Taking away the best chocolate in his Halloween bag is a more suitable punishment instead. Pritchard hides his enjoyment of glee when he sees the look of horror on the son’s face. The two start to make their way off the porch.

“Hold on.” Pritchard gets up and hands the dad set 1 of 30 of the items they put together. “I know he’s bad, but he deserves this…it even has technology that you can sell online or set him out to learn as punishment.”

The man looks at the electronics. He smiles. “You know, you’re not a bad guy for handing out stuff like this. This is more of a son and father thing we can do and bond over while I make him write: ‘I will not steal cool jackets’ 100 times.”

Pritchard didn’t even take this into account. Father and son! What about mother and daughter?! Do they have enough time to go out and buy knitting supplies? Does everyone in the female genre like to knit? He doesn’t know! He doesn’t even know what kind of yarn to get! He must tell Adam to run back to the store to pick up something! Time to ping the man that’s only ten feet away!

_PING. JENSEN! RUN TO THE STORE AND FIND THE GIRLIEST DIY’S YOU CAN FIND! QUICKLY! HALLOWEEN IS ALMOST OVER!_

Jensen ends up dropping both mugs of hot chocolate at that demand. Luckily, they’re in the sink. He places a finger in his ear trying to get rid of the ringing. Pritchard is going to pay for nearly causing him to go deaf twice now! He’ll have to go to the bottom of their fight list and “send him to a cheap hotel!”. He comes outside, car keys in hand, and gives Pritchard the biggest glare he could muster; shades redacted and golden hues burning with a fiery red, and if steam could come out of his hair then the porch roof would be set on fire. This doesn’t affect Pritchard in anyways. He just waves his arms around in a frenzy and points to the family that is leaving, flashing their flashlight around to find the road and cursing the dead street light.

“FRANCIS! There is no need to act like this is a crisis! Just give them an extra bag of candy and call it a day!” Adam throws the keys lightly at Pritchard’s face.

“Ow!” Pritchard picks up the keys off the ground and throws them at Adam’s chest, Adam catches them before they hit the ground. “Go to the blasted store!”

Adam complies without another complaint. He’s not in the mood to deal with such bickering from an over the top lover. This night is supposed to be relaxing for both of them! Not constantly running back and forth to the store, so they can please every little kid that walks on their doorstep! They want candy! No _Barbie_ Dolls or _GI Joe_ figures! He manages to get to the parking lot of the store he had entered earlier. The Rudolph lady is outside chatting away on her phone and smoking a cigarette.

_PING. Never mind, Jensen! The girl that came up here said the motherboard is going to be a perfect maze decoration for the backyard of her **Barbie** **Dream House**. You can come home now, I have ideas!_

Adam is going to murder Pritchard. He quickly does half a doughnut in the parking lot and speeds off back home. He doesn’t care that he’s going 40 miles over or a blue light special is following him. He’s on a vindictive war path over his boyfriend! He hopes Kubrick tracks muddy paws all over his precious candy crap! Hopes all the computers fry up! Hopes the house burns down with all the candy! He hopes for it all! If a thunderstorm and evil cackle are possible in this madness Adam would be the number 1 contender for the title belt. Then that ping comes from…

“NOT NOW, FRANCIS! I AM PLOTTING YOUR MURDER!” Adam slams on the breaks and pulls over to the side when he didn’t get a response. The three cop cars pull among beside them, all not looking very pleased. Adam rolls down his window to recognize his ex-tactical SWAT buddies. All three had notepads in their hands and are writing him a citation over speeding, disrupting the peace, and screaming out that he wants to murder someone.

Adam takes all three grumpily. “Thanks, guys. I knew you all hated me for a reason.”

They don’t say anything and start laughing when they’re out of distance, thinking Adam can’t hear them, he can, and when they come over to one of Sarif’s get together parties sponsoring the DPD, he will tell all the wildest and embarrassing stories that they will all be thrown off the task force! Adam bangs on the steering wheel in frustration after the malice thoughts. He waits till they drive off honking at him and giving him the bird. Yes, revenge in motion will be plotted later. For now, he wants to go home and go to bed.

_Ping. Jensen? Are you ok? I saw three cop cars drive by just now. Are you in any kind of trouble?_

“No, Francis. Everything is ok.” Adam gets his vehicle back on the road and makes his drive back to the house.

_Ok, good! I want to tell you all about the candies and things I sold to these children! They all have wild imaginations! One family asked if I could sell them the rest of the bags, they wanted to use them for a group project at a bank tomorrow! Something to do with vaults and wiring._

Adam’s eyes widen. “Pritchard! You’re not that naive, are you?” Adam can hear the squinting of his eyes.

_Jensen! They can’t open a bank vault with this technology. They’ll fail or get shot, whichever one comes first. By the way, where are you again?_

“Pulling up in the driveway now.” Adam closes out the link and parks. Getting out of the car with his hands in his pockets and sizzling invisible bacon is above his head in an upward position.

“Jensen! You’re just in time to help me clean up.” Pritchard grabs the empty bowls. “Going to check _Ebay_ tomorrow to see how many of my gifts ended up online.”

Adam sighs again. He helps him with whatever is left over, which is a giant mess. He goes inside and grabs a broom and dust pan. He turns to see Pritchard shoving a mug of coco with…cereal bits in it in his hand. He takes it with minor skepticism. Pritchard just gives him a shrug and sips at his own, completely forgetting about the angry list. He motions with his head to come sit with him on the couch, clearly, he doesn’t care about the mess outside either. Adam ponders for a moment and decides to follow anyways. He places the stuff back in the closet and goes to sit down next to his lover, placing an arm around the back of the couch, augmented hand brushing the man’s shoulder.

Pritchard pulls his mug away from his mouth first, leans up against Adam’s chest, comfortable and content. He closes his eyes and lets the warmth of the man’s coat fill him in. Adam doesn’t complain, he moves Pritchard in closer, wanting to pull the flap aside but he can’t. He settles for a half-hug.

Adam places the mug down on the table. “You know, Francis, I can get use to you cuddling me like this when I get out of trouble.” He kisses the top of the man’s head.

“Don’t get use to it. I just love your warm embraces when we’re making ourselves vulnerable like this to the outside world.” Loud sips of his drink can be heard, and the blowing of the bubbles indicates he’s in denial.

“I won’t tell anyone.” Adam tilts Pritchard’s face towards him, admiring his eyes for a moment before giving him a soft kiss on the lips.

Pritchard loves it and really will put the list to the back of hid mind for tonight.


End file.
